The Struggle To Become Unique

Children depend on the guidance of their parents, caregivers and teachers from a very young age. At the same time they seek out opportunities for independence. This dance, led by the youngsters, can be taxing on the adults. This has been the case since the earliest human cultures. Over time the thing that has changed is how well, or how poorly, the adults cope with children and teens who need security and reassurance while also wanting autonomy. Each generation of adults who care about children experience the stress of navigating this unavoidable internal conflict of young people as they work to become the individuals they hope to be. The current norms and pressures of a society frequently dominate how adults manage this push and pull with young people.
Gordon Allport was a prominent psychologist in the first half of the 20th century who had clear insights about a child's struggle between security and independence. He wrote about this problem in his 1955 book Becoming: Basic Considerations for a Psychology of Personality.

"Thus there seem to be two contrary forces at work. The one makes for a closed tribal being. It takes its start in the dependence of the child upon those who care for him. His gratifications and his security come from the outside; so too do all the first lessons he learns: the times of day when he may have meals, the activities for which he is punished and those that bring reward. He is coerced and cajoled into conformity but not, we note, with complete success. He shows a capacity even from birth to resist the impact of maternal and tribal demands. While to a certain degree his group shapes his course, at the same time it seems to antagonize him, as if he realized its threat to his integrity. If the demand for autonomy were not a major force we could not explain the prominence of negativistic behavior in childhood....All his life long this being will be attempting to reconcile these two modes of becoming, the tribal and the personal: the one that makes him into a mirror, the other that lights the lamp of individuality within."

Dr. Allport clearly described what the experience is like for children who struggle with the conflict of meeting the social norms of the community so that they can be accepted and provided with care. At the same time, children do not want to be carbon copies of their caregivers. They develop a view of who they can become based on their experiences and view of the world, and they realize their own internal striving to be unique individuals.

Adults who care about the children in their lives need to set boundaries and offer guidance while being careful to not limit independence. Adults must realize that children need limits that do not serve as punishments or harsh restrictions. Children can understand that limits, when presented with kindness and support, demonstrate that the adult is offering support and security. A world without limits would be chaotic and threatening to a child. Harsh or unreasonable limits lead children to lose confidence in themselves or to develop an attitude of needing to protect themselves from being devalued.

The safety and security kindly offered by the adults in a community (family, school or neighborhood) allow children to have confidence needed to explore, test limits, push the rules or even break the rules. Them they wait to see if the adults will demonstrate authentic caring by consistently enforcing limits in a way which teaches that the world is not chaotic or punishing. At the same time the children help the adults learn. Adults realize, with some reluctance, that children can move into the world (which adults paradoxically perceive to be chaotic) beyond the security provided by current boundaries, and become independent. Children can take the risks to become individuals who will survive and thrive.

Young people will be able to struggle with challenges, impose limits on themselves, and then move beyond their own limits. They will grow and continue to lead their own lives rather than simply reflecting the norms of the community members who raised them.

The quote in the post above was taken from page 35 of Becoming: Basic Considerations for a Psychology of Personality by Gordon W. Allport; published in 1955 by Yale University Press, Inc.

Helicopter Parent 1.0

We can frequently read about helicopter parents in the popular media today. Those are the parents who cautiously watch over every aspect of their child's life. They sometimes determine the path to happiness for their child and place their child on that path. They schedule the lessons, arrange for participation on the best team, or in the best chorus. They choose the schools and choose the teachers and sometimes even choose the friends. Then they put their attention into removing any obstacles on that path. This is a natural step for the parents who have put so much time and energy into creating and choosing the path. They can't let any obstacles slow down the timeline to success. The child does not get to provide any input about the pace of travel on the path that was cleared for him. In 1962 Abraham Maslow wrote that a child will only move ahead and grow when he or she feels safe enough to take on a new challenge. That feeling of safety may come on a different schedule than what the helicopter parent had in mind. So, what should a parent do? The brief passage that follows is taken from Maslow's 1962 book titled, Toward A Psychology of Being, and it offers some input that is still helpful 54 years later.

"Now how can we know when the child feels safe enough to dare to choose the new step ahead? Ultimately, the only way in which we can know is by his choices, which is to say only he can ever really know the right moment when the beckoning forces ahead overbalance the beckoning forces behind, and courage outweighs fear. Ultimately the person, even the child, must choose for himself. Nobody can choose for him too often, for this itself enfeebles him, cutting his self-trust, and confusing his ability to perceive his own internal delight in the experience, his own impulses, judgments, and feelings, and to differentiate them from the interiorized standards of others."

Maslow explains that a child needs a supportive parent or caregiver to create an experience of safety and security. The sense of security helps the child to have the courage needed to decide that she is ready to take on a new challenge. When the child makes that decision on her own, she experiences the joy of success, independence, and pride associated with moving away from safety on her own terms. She learns that she can be self-reliant. She learns that she can be responsible for her own decisions and knows that a parent or caregiver will be behind her when she needs support in the future. A child does not need a helicopter parent to determine the path and remove the obstacles. A child needs a parent who trusts that she can find her own path and take on unexpected challenges with courage and determination. A parent needs to be courageous enough to resist the urge to hover, while trusting that staying back to be a safety net is more valuable than preventing a fall.