We can frequently read about helicopter parents in the popular media today. Those are the parents who cautiously watch over every aspect of their child's life. They sometimes determine the path to happiness for their child and place their child on that path. They schedule the lessons, arrange for participation on the best team, or in the best chorus. They choose the schools and choose the teachers and sometimes even choose the friends. Then they put their attention into removing any obstacles on that path. This is a natural step for the parents who have put so much time and energy into creating and choosing the path. They can't let any obstacles slow down the timeline to success. The child does not get to provide any input about the pace of travel on the path that was cleared for him. In 1962 Abraham Maslow wrote that a child will only move ahead and grow when he or she feels safe enough to take on a new challenge. That feeling of safety may come on a different schedule than what the helicopter parent had in mind. So, what should a parent do? The brief passage that follows is taken from Maslow's 1962 book titled, Toward A Psychology of Being, and it offers some input that is still helpful 54 years later.
"Now how can we know when the child feels safe enough to dare to choose the new step ahead? Ultimately, the only way in which we can know is by his choices, which is to say only he can ever really know the right moment when the beckoning forces ahead overbalance the beckoning forces behind, and courage outweighs fear. Ultimately the person, even the child, must choose for himself. Nobody can choose for him too often, for this itself enfeebles him, cutting his self-trust, and confusing his ability to perceive his own internal delight in the experience, his own impulses, judgments, and feelings, and to differentiate them from the interiorized standards of others."Maslow explains that a child needs a supportive parent or caregiver to create an experience of safety and security. The sense of security helps the child to have the courage needed to decide that she is ready to take on a new challenge. When the child makes that decision on her own, she experiences the joy of success, independence, and pride associated with moving away from safety on her own terms. She learns that she can be self-reliant. She learns that she can be responsible for her own decisions and knows that a parent or caregiver will be behind her when she needs support in the future. A child does not need a helicopter parent to determine the path and remove the obstacles. A child needs a parent who trusts that she can find her own path and take on unexpected challenges with courage and determination. A parent needs to be courageous enough to resist the urge to hover, while trusting that staying back to be a safety net is more valuable than preventing a fall.
