Be Your Own Authority

We all have skills and talents. Sometimes it is hard for us to acknowledge those things that we do well. We don't like to brag. We know it is impolite to appear conceited. On the other hand, people have a need to be productive and to use their skills. Doing what we are good at allows us to be helpful to others and it helps us to gain confidence.

If this is the case, why do we find ourselves in those frustrating situations where we don't have permission to display our talents. These circumstances lead us to feel all alone and tear at our sense of confidence. We can even feel trapped in these situations. Those who have a position of stated or implied power try to maintain control by creating situations where we feel threatened when we attempt to use our skills for the good of others and ourselves.

Erich Fromm

Erich Fromm wrote about this situation in his 1947 book, Man for Himself: An Inquiry Into the Psychology of Ethics.

"The goal of humanistic conscience is productiveness and, therefore, happiness, since happiness is the necessary concomitant of productive living. To cripple oneself by becoming a tool of others, no matter how dignified they are made to appear, to be "selfless," unhappy, resigned, discouraged, is in opposition to one's conscience; any violation of the integrity and proper functioning of our personality, with regard to thinking as well as acting...is acting against one's conscience."

Here Fromm describes what he refers to as one's conscience. We usually think of conscience as that little voice in our head that reminds us to follow the rules and to tell the difference between "right" and "wrong." But who made the rules? And who decided what is "right?" What Fromm was telling us nearly 70 years ago applies today. We don't need to rely on an authority in the persona of a boss, guru, or elder to determine what is right for us.  Fromm's concept of humanistic conscience is what we determine to be our true selves and our true morals. The right action for each of us is to take those actions that allow us to be productive and reach our full potential.  What is right for me, can be different than what is right for you.

Fromm made it clear that we do not have to serve another authority figure. Being selfless in service to others is not necessarily the right thing to do. The path to feeling complete and experiencing happiness only comes from using our skills and expressing our talents, whatever they may be. Anything else brings about a sense of discouragement, frustration, and sadness.

We will find ourselves in situations where others try to control us by limiting us. They will even do their best to make us feel guilty or selfish for wanting to grow. Fromm made it clear that we must have a clear conscience when we make the right choice to become our true selves by using our skills for the betterment of ourselves and others.

Quote is from Erich Fromm's 1947 book, Man For Himself: An Inquiry into the Psychology of Ethics (Location 2112 in the Kindle edition)

The Struggle To Become Unique

Children depend on the guidance of their parents, caregivers and teachers from a very young age. At the same time they seek out opportunities for independence. This dance, led by the youngsters, can be taxing on the adults. This has been the case since the earliest human cultures. Over time the thing that has changed is how well, or how poorly, the adults cope with children and teens who need security and reassurance while also wanting autonomy. Each generation of adults who care about children experience the stress of navigating this unavoidable internal conflict of young people as they work to become the individuals they hope to be. The current norms and pressures of a society frequently dominate how adults manage this push and pull with young people.
Gordon Allport was a prominent psychologist in the first half of the 20th century who had clear insights about a child's struggle between security and independence. He wrote about this problem in his 1955 book Becoming: Basic Considerations for a Psychology of Personality.

"Thus there seem to be two contrary forces at work. The one makes for a closed tribal being. It takes its start in the dependence of the child upon those who care for him. His gratifications and his security come from the outside; so too do all the first lessons he learns: the times of day when he may have meals, the activities for which he is punished and those that bring reward. He is coerced and cajoled into conformity but not, we note, with complete success. He shows a capacity even from birth to resist the impact of maternal and tribal demands. While to a certain degree his group shapes his course, at the same time it seems to antagonize him, as if he realized its threat to his integrity. If the demand for autonomy were not a major force we could not explain the prominence of negativistic behavior in childhood....All his life long this being will be attempting to reconcile these two modes of becoming, the tribal and the personal: the one that makes him into a mirror, the other that lights the lamp of individuality within."

Dr. Allport clearly described what the experience is like for children who struggle with the conflict of meeting the social norms of the community so that they can be accepted and provided with care. At the same time, children do not want to be carbon copies of their caregivers. They develop a view of who they can become based on their experiences and view of the world, and they realize their own internal striving to be unique individuals.

Adults who care about the children in their lives need to set boundaries and offer guidance while being careful to not limit independence. Adults must realize that children need limits that do not serve as punishments or harsh restrictions. Children can understand that limits, when presented with kindness and support, demonstrate that the adult is offering support and security. A world without limits would be chaotic and threatening to a child. Harsh or unreasonable limits lead children to lose confidence in themselves or to develop an attitude of needing to protect themselves from being devalued.

The safety and security kindly offered by the adults in a community (family, school or neighborhood) allow children to have confidence needed to explore, test limits, push the rules or even break the rules. Them they wait to see if the adults will demonstrate authentic caring by consistently enforcing limits in a way which teaches that the world is not chaotic or punishing. At the same time the children help the adults learn. Adults realize, with some reluctance, that children can move into the world (which adults paradoxically perceive to be chaotic) beyond the security provided by current boundaries, and become independent. Children can take the risks to become individuals who will survive and thrive.

Young people will be able to struggle with challenges, impose limits on themselves, and then move beyond their own limits. They will grow and continue to lead their own lives rather than simply reflecting the norms of the community members who raised them.

The quote in the post above was taken from page 35 of Becoming: Basic Considerations for a Psychology of Personality by Gordon W. Allport; published in 1955 by Yale University Press, Inc.

Happiness Part 2 - Relaxing

The last blog post here discussed one route for experiencing happiness in our lives as described by psychologist, Eric Fromm. That route was focused on putting in effort to challenge ourselves with tasks, or hobbies that add value to our lives. Fromm noted his idea for another contrasting pathway to happiness in, Man For Himself: An Inquiry into the Psychology of Ethics.

"The other type of pleasure which is left for discussion is not based on effort but on its opposite, on relaxation; it accompanies effortless but pleasant activities. The important biological function of relaxation is that of regulating the rhythm of the organism which cannot be always active. The word "pleasure," without qualification, seems to be most appropriate to denote the kind of good feeling that results from relaxation."

Nearly 70 years ago shortly after the end of World War II, Dr. Fromm was telling people that it was OK to relax once in a while. He was a proponent of taking it easy. It seems he realized our parents and grandparents who were part of the greatest generation that struggled to win the war needed permission to slow down. 

Today many of us lead over-scheduled lives filled with exertion. We all find many demands placed on us. Technology not only keeps us tethered to our colleagues and bosses when at home, but also to our family and friends when at work. Job, family and social demands easily pull at us if we try to relax. 
I have also noticed a creeping feeling of guilt experienced by people when they do slow down. They are worried that they will be seen as lazy, or that they are letting someone down, or that someone else is getting ahead of them at school or at work. This is the experience of adolescents and adults in our culture today. We have a situation developing in our society where taking it easy brings on agitation or even a sense of stress. 

We may be at a moment in time when we need permission to relax; and not only to relax, but to actually enjoy the experience of relaxation and take pleasure in it. We need to allow ourselves to be happy when we are doing nothing that requires focused effort for a sustained length of time. This does not mean taking a nap. It means enjoying an activity that requires minimal effort which is not focused on a goal; like going for a walk without monitoring the miles or your heart rate. Or reading a novel without worrying what your book club members will think about your insights at next week's meeting. 

It is healthy to set goals and work toward them. It is equally healthy to take time to slow down, relax, and enjoy the pleasure of recharging ourselves. Resting is not being lazy. Resting is necessary to have balance in our lives and to find pleasure is simply being ourselves and enjoying the experience.

Quote is from Ethan Fromm's 1947 book, Man For Himself: An Inquiry into the Psychology of Ethics (Location 2508 in the Kindle edition) https://www.amazon.com/Man-Himself-Inquiry-Psychology-Ethics-ebook/dp/B00BPJOD8K/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1472839933&sr=8-8#nav-subnav

Happiness Part 1

Happiness is a popular topic these days. We are all seeking happiness. There are books, talk show hosts, and clever calendars instructing us on how to be happy. There is a happiness industry being built around us. Sometimes it seems that if we don't feel happy we are slackers who haven't followed the advice that is out there for the taking.

The wish to feel happy is obviously not something new that popped up in the last few years along with the growth of the "happiness-industrial complex." Philosophers have written about being happy for centuries . The propaganda is new and it bombards us with simple, quick, or cute techniques for being happy.

Happiness is an experience we have that is more than momentary. It lingers and envelopes us. A gimmick won't help to have the experience. Psychologist Eric Fromm had some wise and easily understood insights about happiness in the 1940s. He discussed two paths to pleasurable experiences which could help to achieve a state of happiness. I'll describe one of his paths in this post. A second route will be the subject of a future post.

"Gratification does not depend very much on a specific activity; a man may find as much gratification in a good game of tennis as in success in business; what matters is that there is some difficulty (emphasis added) in the task he has set out to accomplish and that he has achieved a satisfactory result."

Fromm understood that being happy was the end result of making worthwhile effort and even struggling with a task, challenge, or activity that you find valuable. From this perspective, happiness is recognized as a state that comes about by taking action you find important or pleasing; but not simple or easy. Keep in mind this does not describe taking action that someone else in your life thinks should be valuable or pleasing to you, or good for you.

Fromm saw that we all need to be responsible for achieving happiness by exerting some effort. Today when our days and weeks are packed with things that must be crossed off never ending To Do lists we exert a great deal of effort and expend energy to the point of exhaustion. We need to consider if any of the actions we take are truly valuable or pleasing to us. If we want to experience the type of pleasure or happiness that Fromm called gratification we need to make time for fully throwing ourselves into those activities that we enjoy; those hobbies, pastimes, family activities or even work tasks that we value on our own terms. Experiencing this type of happiness as individuals will improve our experiences of ourselves as friends, spouses, parents, coworkers and human beings.

Quote is from Ethan Fromm's 1947 book, Man For Himself: An inquiry into the psychology of ethics (Location 2500 in the Kindle edition)