The Struggle To Become Unique

Children depend on the guidance of their parents, caregivers and teachers from a very young age. At the same time they seek out opportunities for independence. This dance, led by the youngsters, can be taxing on the adults. This has been the case since the earliest human cultures. Over time the thing that has changed is how well, or how poorly, the adults cope with children and teens who need security and reassurance while also wanting autonomy. Each generation of adults who care about children experience the stress of navigating this unavoidable internal conflict of young people as they work to become the individuals they hope to be. The current norms and pressures of a society frequently dominate how adults manage this push and pull with young people.
Gordon Allport was a prominent psychologist in the first half of the 20th century who had clear insights about a child's struggle between security and independence. He wrote about this problem in his 1955 book Becoming: Basic Considerations for a Psychology of Personality.

"Thus there seem to be two contrary forces at work. The one makes for a closed tribal being. It takes its start in the dependence of the child upon those who care for him. His gratifications and his security come from the outside; so too do all the first lessons he learns: the times of day when he may have meals, the activities for which he is punished and those that bring reward. He is coerced and cajoled into conformity but not, we note, with complete success. He shows a capacity even from birth to resist the impact of maternal and tribal demands. While to a certain degree his group shapes his course, at the same time it seems to antagonize him, as if he realized its threat to his integrity. If the demand for autonomy were not a major force we could not explain the prominence of negativistic behavior in childhood....All his life long this being will be attempting to reconcile these two modes of becoming, the tribal and the personal: the one that makes him into a mirror, the other that lights the lamp of individuality within."

Dr. Allport clearly described what the experience is like for children who struggle with the conflict of meeting the social norms of the community so that they can be accepted and provided with care. At the same time, children do not want to be carbon copies of their caregivers. They develop a view of who they can become based on their experiences and view of the world, and they realize their own internal striving to be unique individuals.

Adults who care about the children in their lives need to set boundaries and offer guidance while being careful to not limit independence. Adults must realize that children need limits that do not serve as punishments or harsh restrictions. Children can understand that limits, when presented with kindness and support, demonstrate that the adult is offering support and security. A world without limits would be chaotic and threatening to a child. Harsh or unreasonable limits lead children to lose confidence in themselves or to develop an attitude of needing to protect themselves from being devalued.

The safety and security kindly offered by the adults in a community (family, school or neighborhood) allow children to have confidence needed to explore, test limits, push the rules or even break the rules. Them they wait to see if the adults will demonstrate authentic caring by consistently enforcing limits in a way which teaches that the world is not chaotic or punishing. At the same time the children help the adults learn. Adults realize, with some reluctance, that children can move into the world (which adults paradoxically perceive to be chaotic) beyond the security provided by current boundaries, and become independent. Children can take the risks to become individuals who will survive and thrive.

Young people will be able to struggle with challenges, impose limits on themselves, and then move beyond their own limits. They will grow and continue to lead their own lives rather than simply reflecting the norms of the community members who raised them.

The quote in the post above was taken from page 35 of Becoming: Basic Considerations for a Psychology of Personality by Gordon W. Allport; published in 1955 by Yale University Press, Inc.